How To Survive Your Sugary Corporate Event

In Unprocessed Sugar on September 24, 2010 at 1:21 am

Hello, I’m a corporate drone.

If there’s one thing that all people in large corporations like, it’s eating food. We use it to celebrate everything and anything. We use it as a conversation point, we use it to brag, we use it as an excuse for being late… you get my drift.

Sooner or later, there is always a potluck. And with this potluck, comes the most delicious looking brownies you’ve ever seen. The temptation to eat these will be strong, but the following 4 tips will make you stronger.

1. Remember that you’re better than these people. In all ways. This doesn’t sound important, but it is. We’ve already established that corporate sellouts like desserts. Well, the only thing they like more than desserts is assimilation and that means they’ll undoubtedly scrutinize you for not eating processed sugar. Going into this knowing you’re a superior human being, will allow you to care less and prevent you from falling prey to their hive-mind peer pressure.

2. Carry a napkin. I learned the following technique from children in bad family movies. See, it’s impossible to turn down your co-worker’s jello and fruit concoction without hurting their feelings. Now you don’t have to! Simply turn away and regurgitate the food into a napkin. Then place the napkin in the nearest garbage can, pocket or purse. Problem solved.

3. Label your contribution as “vegan.” This works best if your food actually is vegan. Best case scenario, you’ll instantly find a clique of other people on extreme, restricted diets and will become e-mail pals. Worst case, you eat two dozen ginger cookies by yourself. It’s really a win-win.

4. Pretend you like couscous. Consider this a mind-over-matter thing, where you are really stoked about everything you can possibly eat. If your coworker brings a spinach salad, that’s your new favourite food. Generic vegetable platter? Yum. And honestly, there is no better meal than crackers and cheese.

With these four tips, you can easily forget about food at your next corporate event and focus on things that really matter, like discussing the new coversheets for the TPS reports.

(Disclaimer: If any of our readers happen to be co-workers of mine, I swear I didn’t follow any of these guidelines at Tuesday’s potluck. And the ginger cookies really were vegan. Seriously.)

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