Brass Tacks…

…And How To Git On Down To ‘Em

“Brass Tacks,” in addition to being an awesome name for a Big Mature Grown-Up drink, are what I need to address before I go any further in my participation with this blog. Namely: As a gluten-and-processed-sugar-tolerant gal:

1) Why am I here?

2) What would I actually be missing out on if I started cutting sugar and wheat-y stuff from my diet?

3) What kind of product substitutes are waiting in the wings if, in a moment of weakness, I should ever decide to give gluten and unprocessed sugar the boot?

1) “You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?”

LJR: Hey! I am smart and cool and take fun pictures and write a neat blog and had an awesome idea and you can participate in it!

Me: Hey! I am a righty who sleeps with a stuffed walrus and think an awesome idea in which I can participate sounds great!

LJR: Wanna go gluten-free for the month of September?!

Me: No.

LJR: Seriously, though.

Me: No.

LJR: Wanna go sugar-free for the month of September?

Me: WHAT?! God no! No way in Tartarus! No no no.

LJR: *let’s me in on the blog anyway* *invents cool blog name*

Me: *eats cheeseburger and milkshake* *feels ill* *refuses to admit lowering sugar and gluten intake levels might help in any way whatsoever*

If I had an ironic hipster mustache I’d’ve twirled it completely off by now.

2) “You may say to yourself, My God, what have I done?”

I could, however, agree to join the blog and focus on freaking out about the sugar and gluten content of various foods and beverages, even while continuing to eat them like the big ol’ sugar-eating, non-gluten-intolerant weenie that I am.

It’s just this thing I do.

After doing some hasty pre-freak-out research it turned out if I went gluten-free I’d get to spaz about no longer being able to eat most cereals, breads, pastas, and pretty much every other damned thing. Pretty much every other damned thing except stuff that’s low in wheatiness and often, incidentally, high in sugar.

Freak Out City. Population: Me.

3) “You may ask yourself, Where does that highway lead to?”

So in the totally unlikely event I opt to have a go at this month long trial of sugar/gluten-free living thing… then what? What am I left with? Carrot marinated tofu? Time to get down to business.

First Google stop: “Gluten Free Cocktails.” I figure if you can drink away the pain of giving up Toppers’ Cool C-B-R Grinders and Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Lattes for a month you’re  already a step ahead.

Top Result: The Gluten Free Kitchen’s Gluten Free Alcohol page. We owe you a debt of gratitude, GFK. For realsies.

Apparently, should one find oneself in a gluten-free zone, one can drown one’s sorrows in a pint or two of ale from the winners (and losers) of the Gluten Free Beer Festival (the link is dead but the concept rocks on). Among them: Bard’s Tale Beer, and Passover Honey Beer from the Ramapo Valley Brewery.

Then there are ALL the wines from the LaRocca Vineyard. Yep. Sulfite free too. (James: You’re welcome for the awesome birthday gift suggestion for your sister.) And of course, there’s good ol’ Woodchuck Cider. Mm-num-num.

The booze page at GFK even lists vodkas, rums, tequilas, mixers, etc. that are gluten free, for all y’all liquor-preferring folks. For instance: Me.

And I know, I know: There’s a lot of sugar in those bevs. For real: I know. But let’s tackle one vice’s worth of research at a time here, folks. I can only handle so much “what’s bad about good food” Googling per day. It’s like the Exodus International of Eating, and I stand by the fact that I was born to eat this way.

But next time? Next time I promise to boil the gluten-free-goodies down one more level into the eats ‘n’ treats that also make the sugar-free cut.

It’s not a hard and fast promise, but it’s out there.